Creating Healthy & Long-Lasting Relationships
Ted Barrett-Page, JD, LCSW
Welcome!
I’m Ted Barrett-Page, founder of the Safe Harbor Method™. I’ve had over 35 years of experience as a relationship and family therapist, and I have a question for you. What’s the one thing you must have if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship?
You must have a way to successfully deal with the inevitable upsets that we all have in our close relationships. A way to have those tough conversations. A way where you both end up feeling closer to each other by the end. The Safe Harbor Method™ is that way. It’s accessible to everyone, it’s easy to learn, and it can be used in any type of relationship.
Create a Safe Harbor for Connection
Agree to the 3 Rules. Alternate sharing and listening for 2 minutes with a timer. That’s it. Super simple and yet the start of something special.
The Three Rules
Stop
If either person feels the conversation is getting too heated, you must stop. You can say something like: “I need to take a break.” or “I’m starting to get overheated, let’s take a break.” This is the most important step in creating the safety needed for a deeper connection with each other. Each person must respect the STOP.
Take a Break
After the STOP, get up and leave the room to cool down so you can come back and listen. Start with 10 minutes. Take 10 deep breathes. Then ask yourself four questions:
What am I feeling?
What do I want?
What do I think the other person is feeling?
What do I think they are wanting?
Then, return on time to continue sharing or plan for more time.
Return to Listen
Use a 2 minute timer and don’t interrupt. You must use the 2 minute timer and you must not interrupt. Both are critical. If you’re not using both of these….no safe harbor.
7 Minute Introduction Video
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Is It Helping?
I’ve found the SHM to be very effective. Using the Safe Harbor method you eventually get to a place where you start to hear the other person and feel the other person, which diffuses a lot of the negative emotions. It becomes less of a defensive and attacking conversation and a more compassionate and empathetic one. I highly recommend people try it with their primary relationships!
-JL
We started using the SHM and found that it provides a foundation of safety when my wife and I get into a difficult discussion or point of contention. It broke a pattern of dysfunctional communication where one of us would over-power the other and one of us would retreat, leaving us both frustrated and unresolved…. It’s been revolutionary!
-SS
I have been using the Safe Harbor Method with my partner for 4 years now and it has completely changed our relationship. It has given us a way to meet each other in moments of anger, fear, hurt and overwhelm. It has provided us with a structure for conflict and has given us the confidence that we can find our way through any hard conversation. It has provided us with a deep well of safety in our relationship.
-DR
With a life full of relationships and the challenges of expressing my own needs, I have found that using the SHM is easily one of the most useful tools in feeling heard, loved, and human. It is approachable and universal which makes it helpful in many different types of relationships in my life, from parents to partner. After plenty of traditional therapy sessions, I have found that this simple and effective method has done what months of work can do in just minutes.
-JR