The Safe Harbor Method™
Create a Safe Zone for Connection
Agree to the 3 rules (below). Alternate sharing and listening for 2 min max with a timer. That’s it. Super simple and yet the start of something special.
What?
What is The Safe Harbor Method™ (SHM)? SHM is a special process of communication which involves agreeing to follow the 3 Rules and then alternate sharing and listening with your partner in 2 minute sessions using a timer with no interruptions. This process creates a safe zone for deep connection with each other. It is:
Transformative
Free
Intuitive
Easy to Learn
Instantly Accessible during Stormy Weather
When the waters get rough, pause and return to a safe harbor. Listen to eachother in equal portions.
Why?
Think of the stress that bickering and being at odds an important person in your life causes. It could be your intimate partner, your child, your parent, a sibling or a good friend. Think of how this impacts your life. Then imagine the relief you’d feel if you had a simple method of working through these difficult conversations instead of fighting, withdrawing or stewing in unresolved anger and frustration.
There are countless books, workshops, communication systems, etc. and yet the divorce rate is still around 50%. But there is something very different and effective we can do. Something that we can do at home and fits into our busy schedules. And it’s free.
Most haven’t learned how to navigate heated disagreements or productively engage with those with opposing viewpoints.
When?
The best time to use the SHM is when you notice you’re feeling upset with an important person in your life. You’re getting frustrated or angry or feel yourself pulling away. You might notice you’re having critical thoughts or perhaps you notice the tightening of your jaw or stomach.
This is when you want to ask them to have a SHM conversation with you agreeing to follow the 3 Rules and using the Timer.
When the storm arrives, one of the people engaged in the disagreement needs to become aware that the heat of the exchange is rising. At that moment, the person who has begun to feel overwhelmed needs to say something like: “I need a time out,” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or “I need to stop. Let’s use the timer and begin the SHM.”
If it starts getting too hot, take a 10 minute break and return to Listen.
Productive connection will happen in calming or calm conditions. The words we use, and our body language can affect the weather.
We recommend practicing this communication technique with a neutral topic once a week so that you can be ready for the storm. See the Self-Guided Sessions page for more about how to do this.
There’s a time to wait, and there’s a time to connect.
How?
Alternate sharing and listening with each other in 2 minute sessions with a timer. The beauty of the Safe Harbor Method is it’s simplicity and fairness. Follow these steps to deepen your connection.
Steps:
Find a quiet place where you and your partner can sit and not be interrupted.
Locate the Timer on your cell phone and set to 2 minutes or use a sand timer. If possible, turn off the ringer on your cell phone.
Agree to follow the 3 Rules.
Agree to a time limit for the exchange. Start with 5 turns.
Alternate sharing and listening to each other using the 2 minute timer. No Interrupting. Stop on time (2 min) and switch positions.
When you’ve finished, take a break to digest what you’ve learned. You can come back again if you want to continue the conversation.
Taking turns listening to each other is the first step in any difficult discussion.
Suggestions:
Use “I Statements".
You may want to try sharing your observations, feelings, needs and requests.
Pause or reschedule if you need more time.
Offer undivided attention. Your body language will reveal how well you are listening.
We can acknowledge each other’s feelings without agreeing.
We create community in tiny chunks
Safe Harbor Example Video
The Three Rules
Stop
If either person feels the conversation is getting too heated, you must stop. You can say something like: “I need to take a break.” or “I’m starting to get overheated, let’s take a break.” This is the most important step in creating the safety needed for a deeper connection with each other. Each person must respect the STOP.
Take a Break
After the STOP, get up and leave the room to cool down so you can come back and listen. Start with 10 minutes. Take 10 deep breathes. Then ask yourself four questions:
What am I feeling?
What do I want?
What do I think the other person is feeling?
What do I think they are wanting?
Then, return on time to continue sharing or plan for more time.
Return to Listen
Use a 2 minute timer and don’t interrupt. You must use the 2 minute timer and you must not interrupt. Both are critical. If you’re not using both of these….no safe harbor.
